| ughhh |
[14 Jul 2008|08:05pm] |
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mood |
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 pessimistic |
] |
i know it's coming on again, i can feel it. im scared, im upset, and everytime i try to take a step back from all the stress i just end up...thinking about it. how can you turn your brain off? i feel like every time i try to do myself a favor and get away, i either freak out about how off task i am or overanalyze everything in an attempt to think my way out of it...and then just get more upset. i cant relive last semester, i cant do it. i know part of the stress right now probably comes from this fucking summer class. if i cant handle physics 2 without wanting to throw my computer against a wall during every homework assignment, how the hell am i supposed to get through medical school? maybe im not cut out for this shit.
whoever thought electric fields had a damn thing to do with being a "good doctor" needs to get hit in the head, really really hard.
and doesnt deserve a good doctor to fix him.
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[12 Jul 2008|01:16am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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overthinking - relient k |
] |
still coughing...its been about a month now. ish. mas o menos.
speaking of spanish, i'm going to the dominican republic in january with ORB and im SO EXCITED. :D
itll be my first time out of the country, and we'll be building things and playing with spanish speaking children and eating awesome food and praying lots and ahhh im psyched!
i took claritin, it didnt do anything...i took a full course of antibiotics, still coughing...arguably LESS, but still coughing and it still sounds like a dying animal. i hate not knowing whats wrong with me. *cough*
also, physics 2 is intense. at least for me, as a 5 week summer course. but i get to see amanda and vici at least 3 times a week! score! the more i go back to school the more i realize i like it more than i give it credit for. that's definitely a good thing.
i should probably find out when welcome week starts...cant wait to see my EMS people again!
i miss a lot of people...this summer is really really busy...not seeing as many people as much as id like...
ow. headache. >_
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[17 Jun 2008|11:15pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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so i have an internship!
im studying the mechanisms of penicillin tolerance in group b streptococcus. i really enjoy it, it feels like im actually doing something productive with biology. not a feeling i often have at school, seeing as most of my classes thus far have been pre-med requirements/biology core requirements. good stuff.
in order to pay for the gas to get to my unpaid-credit only-slave internship, im still working at victorias secret during nights and weekends, often right after my internship. so im a little burnt out to say the least...in fact im currently sick again.
im coughing up a lung and hopefully ill get to the doctor tomorrow and see whats up. maybe get some sweet antibiotics. i wish i was a healthier person...then again i really shouldnt be saying that, since it could be much much worse.
positive thinking. yeah.
EDIT
so apparently i just have a cold. this always happens to me, i cough my brains out for a week and its always just a cold kicking my ass. and then i feel like a 5 year old for not going into my internship today over " a cold and maybe allergies"....crap. come on lungs, man up already. *sigh*
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[24 May 2008|01:55am] |
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music |
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let go - frou frou |
] |
so sopjomore year's finally over. i was walking around TCNJ the other day, just kind of observing, when it hit me for the first time that i'm a junior. a JUNIOR. freshman and sophomore year dont seem that far apart, but for some reason sophomore to junior seems like a huge step. maybe it's just me...half of the experience is over, and im only recently coming to terms with the fact that i actually might LIKE this school. better late than never, right? thinking positive.
ive been doing a lot of work on that lately, trying to think positively. that everythings going to be ok. its hard to define exactly how im doing right now, in some ways im not doing well, and in others im actually pretty good...best its been in a while in any case. going to the doctor again on tuesday for a second opinion on everything, starting my internship on Wednesday ( no matter how unpaid it is, its gonna be pretty sweet! [positive thinking!]), so im actually pretty excited for next week.
tihs summer i have a couple of goals, we'll see if they get accomplished:
* get creative - i want to pick up some hobbies...collage making, writing, maybe even drawing, just something...
* get in/stay in better shape - gymmin it up! (and making up transitive verbs like gymmin!)
* read more - i have so many books laying around that i havent started or finished that seriously need to get caught up on
* organize my room - never quite unpacked my OLD room since the renovation, nevermind put stuff from college away...
* feel better - i just cant go on feeling sick/upset all the time. it has to stop, and i have to consciously make an effort to make it stop. so here goes.
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[15 Apr 2008|09:20pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
theres pretty much no way to sum up how things have been since my last entry. its not like anyone is reading this anyway. in summary, ive never been so disenchanted with everything in my life before, if this semester doesnt end soon im going to seriously lose my mind. ive got so much shit to worry about, and half the time im worrying about how im never going to be able to handle everything im worried about. its pretty disgusting. so sick of it.
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[24 Jan 2008|06:45pm] |
back at school...
i have an orgo tutor for this semester, hopefully being proactive will prove useful.
i actually have a fair schedule, 2 relavitely easy classes, one really hard class, an one average/will become hard class
sociology 101, methods and tools of psych, organic chemistry 2, general physics 1.
this will give me time to concentrate on OTHER stressors, like applying for summer internships and research!
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| Happy December! |
[02 Dec 2007|09:38pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
since my last post i've turned 19 :]
one more teenage year to go...i have mixed feelings about that. on the one hand, i want to catch up to everyone else in my grade...im always a year behind, and lets face it - what teenager isnt waiting eagerly to turn 21? but on the other hand, when most of my friends are turning 50 ill be 49.
so Thanksgiving break was filled with family, since my birthday was wednesday, thanksgiving was thursday, and my cousins birthday was saturday. i saw rob on thanksgiving, but according to everyone in my family aside from my immediate family/his mother/my uncle we were still "cousins". so after thanksgiving was over, i decided i didnt want to keep it in the dark anymore...saturday i told my cousin Christina, which ive been wanting to do for a while. (i found out earlier in the week my mom already told my aunt, who told another cousin...etc.) so its pretty much out in the open. i have to admit, i finally feel like i can relax about the whole thing. dating your uncle's girlfriend's son isnt THAT wierd...right? :P
so things have been awesome between us, especially since then. not like things werent amazing before...i just got rid of a big cloud over my head :]
also, im pretty sure im gonna stop seeing my therapist. i end up leaving more frustrated than when i walk into her office half the time...and its really not worth paying for anymore.
this week, i feel like i have a thousand things due. i dont know how im gonna survive the week, especially since ive been coughing up a lung since about thursdayish. im afraid im going to work myself sicker this week, so that by finals my immune system will be nice and destroyed...
yes, this is the third time in about a month and a half that ive been sick.
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| meh? |
[10 Nov 2007|12:30pm] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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music |
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would you be impressed? - streetlight manifesto |
] |
so today at breakfast, i realized my birthday is in 11 days...you know what that means.
NEXT ORGO TEST = 10 DAYS!
how the FUCK did that happen?
i take a break from orgo to study ecology and the next thing you know theres another exam up your ass. how the hell...whatever.
on a lighter note, went to the streetlight manifesto show last night! theyre amazing live, and as always the show was awesome. however, as their fan base grows in number the density of people crammed into starland ballroom also rises. there were points in time when i was literally gasping for air like i was underwater or something. crazy. actually puked twice after the concert, not sure what else it could have been from other than inhaling everyone elses...grossness. so aside from the pretty significant nausea and near breaking of ankles, it was an amazing time. saw sid though. wierd. didnt recognize him cause i was looking for long hair/glasses/a psychopath and he had his hood up standing still wearing contacts. meh.
anyway, so yeah i own their new album legally now :]
happy day.
saw cheryl yesterday! and hopefully sometime today ill see her again...hooray for Eastern U. playing soccer at TCNJ!
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[06 Nov 2007|02:25pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
] |
2.5 hours till i know my fate.
wahaha the pressure...
hope no one breaks down in class.
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| ...but dont you want our BLOOD?! |
[05 Nov 2007|08:08pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
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music |
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we will fall together - streetlight manifesto |
] |
hah. check this out.
me: hey Red Cross! my EMS squad wants to do a blood drive! you in?
RC: totally! we have these dates open [insert dates, including 11/30]
me: awesome! 11/30 sounds nice. ill find a lounge we can have it in
RC: btw, these 2 irrelevant dates opened up. theyre too early! can you take them anyway? also, are you sure you can get a lounge?
me: yeah, totally already in the process of lounge-getting... thanks but no thanks, i want to keep the 11/30 date.
RC: OH HAY! 11/30 is unavailable!
me: O_O
so screw them. they dont want my blood.
so i called another organization, and even though itll be in December, maybe they'll be reliable. you know, cause the AMERICAN RED CROSS cant handle that.
oh and the place nearby is giving us posters too! hooray local blood bank!
tomorrow i find out the fate of the rest of my life...*drumroll* my orgo test.
tonight, im on call. you'd think no one would be drunk on a monday. ive already been proven wrong before.
oh, and did i menion, our student finance board gave our asian association money for a comedian but denied our EMS squad money for new radios cause ours dont work? they have their own room too. so does the black student association and the latino association. can the EMS squad have a response room? no!
isnt that fantastic????
our school needs to get its shit together. like ASAP. A-S-A-P.
maybe they can sit down with the Red Cross and have like a tea party. about ORGANIZATION.
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| hooray! |
[03 Nov 2007|07:51pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
] |
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music |
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streetlight manifesto |
] |
todays the first day since saturday that i can say i feel pretty much not so sick!
coughs still hangin out, but otherwise everythings doing well :]
i played with a plastic transformer today for like...half an hour. so much fun. i miss action figures! such a simple concept! *helicopter noises* - *missles* - *poorly executed explosion imitation* yeah, thats right.
oh, and by the way. streetlight manifesto's upcoming album leaked.
it. is. so. good. cant wait to see them on FRIDAYYYY!
now to pretend to be proactive and read about the exciting lives of early naturalists!
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| lungs :'[ |
[01 Nov 2007|09:53pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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harder, better, faster, stronger |
] |
alright, so.
aside from being generally tired all the time, i do feel a lot better overall. the headaches have largely subsided and the fever's been completely gone since sunday night. BUT, my cough isnt going away and the congestions still lingering. granted, it might really just be allergies and i dont want to over exaggerate something that isnt serious...but ive had walking pneumonia twice already and i really dont want it again. plus my cough is significantly worse at night, which is a common symptom of that. so im going to health services in the afternoon to see whats up. id rather find out now before my lungs become infested with ickyness.
blehhh.
also, orgo test was awful. straight up awful. i dont even know why i study sometimes, it doesnt matter how many hours you put into that, youre still gonna get screwed. the prof didnt get through all of them yet, but so far the highest grade is a C. and there are plenty of Fs. also, he doesnt curve exams. bye bye career! *waves*
at least i did well in arts of east asia (useful, i know). maybe the average of the 2 test scores will be passing.
dammit.
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[29 Oct 2007|01:30pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
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friday: massive headache
saturday: massive headache + temp of 99.8
saturday night/sunday morning: massive headache, massive everywhere ache, fever just short of 102
sunday: headache, body aches, on and off temp of around 99ish, cough, sore throat
monday: cough, sore throat, massive
diagnosis: "random virus" combined with "allergy symptoms"
...i guess that sounds about right?
i must hand it to that random virus, despite its ambiguity it packs quite a punch.
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| helloooo livejournal! |
[25 Oct 2007|11:13pm] |
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music |
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always look on the bright side of life |
] |
Its been a really long time since I wrote in this thing. Needless to say, a lot has happened since my last entry. And no, I don't think I'm going to recap everything thats gone down...there's no way i can get all that into this entry. and, if youre reading this, youre probably close enough to me that you know the basics :].
anyway, my second orgo test is on tuesday. which is actually relatively frightening, since that would mean we've gone through 2/3 of organic chemistry 1. how INSANE is that? its ridiculous. ive gone through a section and half of my 3 subject notebook already. thats progress.
unfortunately, EMS isnt doing so well right now. my friends in the organization are awesome, but sadly the club itself is kind of falling apart. like seriously falling apart. not all of it is the fault of the membership, its largely to do with the college not giving us the benefits we deserve. its hard to motivate a group to step it up when it doesnt get any recognition for what its doing now. more to come on that.
im listening to broadway songs! i went to broadway night tonight to watch Marla perform, and she was great! so now im motivated to listen to some more showtunes. good stuff.
on the topic of music...i seriously regret giving up so much on the piano. i stopped playing during 8th grade and picked it up for a little bit in high school again, but i havent seriously played in a while. i play keyboard with my family once in a while but i havent like...sat down with a piece of music and played all the way through it in forever. its kind of sad, actually. i always tell myself im gonna work on it, but im not gonna lie its hard to just sit down and pick it up again. i was watching the piano players tonight at the show and realized that there was a point in my life when i could have realistically worked up to that level of ability. itd be nice to be in that place again, but do i really have time for that?
wow, cheerios are delicious.
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[06 Jun 2007|07:47pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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music |
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linkin park |
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a little piece of paper with a picture drawn
floats on down the street till the wind is gone
and the memory now is like the picture was then
once the paper's crumpled up, it can't be perfect again...
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| filings cabinets and concrete |
[06 May 2007|02:09am] |
anyone who reads this god forsaken lj (and there arent many of you!) know that sometimes i question TCNJ and why i came and why i should stay...
but yesterday, none of that mattered.
i guess it was somewhere between getting stuck in traffic for nearly a half hour on the way to wawa (when 7-11 is only 5 minutes away...it was a necessary journey)and anxously running down 3 flights of stairs to find a destroyed filing cabinet when i realized, despite all the questioning i do, im happy.
on the way to wawa, karen and i passed princeton university. only 10 minutes away from TCNJ, princeton is lightyears different...its one of those things you show people while theyre visiting you in ewing. after being struck in awe at the medieval castle they somehow turned into a university, its easily to feel inferior purchasing green tea at PRINCETON'S wawa only to bring it back to TCNJ. but once we got back in the car and started taking advantage of the local radio station's FEEL GOOD FRIDAY (oh, lord) as we lost a race against the random old guy running at 5mph (we calculated it) on the sidewalk in traffic, i actually excited to get back to our imitation princeton. the people i was looking forward to spending time with all week were at my imitation princeton, along with the people that helped me get through the most difficult semester of my life. besides, my bio teacher graduated from princeton. bitches.
anyway, the Lions EMS banquet was awesome. dinner was awesome, the serious awards only had one mistake, the superlatives were ridiiiiculously amazing and karen and i presented the senior gifts in a pretty stellar improv fashion. the after party at jay's was lots of fun, anyone with facebook and an accepted friendship from me should be able to piece that together, but the culminating event of the evening was definitely bringing the EMS filing cabinet to its final resting place. jay carried the broken thing (which had served as a bar for the evening...quite fantastic) and karen and i accompanied him as we made our way over to the top of lot 6 before we all kissed our hands, grabbed a place on the cabinet and pushed it off together. something about fiiling cabinets hitting concrete is amazing. after random bits of shouting and victoriously racing down the stairs, we found it pretty much destroyed and brought it to the dumpsters behind T/W. amazing.
turns out now that im here, there actually are reasons why i wouldnt want to leave.
everytime they take the garbage out behind T/W (even though the horrible noise even drowns out my alarm clock), ill remember its not where you are, its who youre with...and what you make out of the hand youre dealt.
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| warning: complaining |
[03 May 2007|02:22pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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every once in a while i get into an "overthinking everything" mood.
hell, what am i saying. its more like every once in a while i get into a "not-overthinking everything" mood.
the problem with complaining about my major and how sometimes i get discouraged about it is that inevitably the advice that comes along with it is reconsidering my major, and ultimately my career goal.
i am open minded. i am keeping my options open. i will think about all the possibilities.
but for now, i still want to be a doctor. a medical doctor. not a vet, not a physicians assistant, not a researcher, not a nurse, not even a nurse practicioner. an MD. its not that the others arent respectable careers, with hard work and dedication behind each one...maybe im just stubborn. but after learning the roles of each in a medical setting and having the opportunity to observe them all, im still shooting for the MD.
if anything, ive come to terms with the fact that i probably wont be a trauma surgeon. its possible, but its not likely. when i start thinking about all this, sometimes logic likes to smack me upside the head and remind me that im 18 years old and i havent even started applying to medical school yet, nevermind deciding on a concentration.
but when that happens, of course my thoughts go back to applying to med school, the MCATS, and the GPA i'm going to need if i want to even stand a chance.
which brings me back to my first point.
im dreading my finals, i really miss the feeling of walking out of a test with the satisfaction of knowing you did well...aside from spanish, which barely counts seeing as ive learned it already and its my 11th year studying the damn language. i should be getting 100s. im not.
and dammit its the only class this semester i can be greedy about since im barely keeping my head above water in the others.
and yet im on LJ instead of busting my ass...i guess ill never be able to say i tried my hardest if im keeping this up.
enough bitching
my moms coming today to drop off my dress for the EMS banquet, and hopefully to bring some stuff home since moving out should be a nightmare.
my relationship with her has been improving, i really hope it stays that way...it seems like it gets better when im away at school and only come home for short intervals...lets hope the summer doesnt screw that up.
wow i sound like a pessimist when i write. im not a pessimist...i dont think.
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| eep! |
[30 Apr 2007|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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finals coming up.
scared.
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[25 Apr 2007|02:56pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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i guess the silver lining to this massively huge thundercloud is its not gonna get any worse than this weekend for the rest of the semester.
and if it manages to, well, thats special.
this weekend/week has been continuously shitting on me, and i really cant wait for it to be over...(so finals can start? i dont know where im going with that)
on saturday i had my most traumatic EMS call to date, of course involving one of my closest friends at school. if i have one more person on my floor get sick from drinking to the point of EMS intervention im very very very VERY close to not helping them and "accidentally" kicking them on my way out the door next time. i've really had it. no one needs to drink that much, ever, i dont care how depressed you are or how much you think you can handle your alcohol...everyones still a dumb college kid and no ones invincible...and of course it takes a severe, severe (it was really bad, guys) alcohol poisoning for that to get through to people. and if this didnt work, God help whoever pulls this shit next weekend. im not helping them. (of course, i say that now).
it really didnt help that said friend apparently wasnt informed of what happened to her and what we did to help her over that weekend so for 2 days i got no phone calls, no thank yous, no apologies. just an attitude. thankfully since then everything has been reconciled. but "pissed" doesnt do justice to how i felt this weekend.
so sunday needless to say i was pretty shaken by the whole thing, and probably wasnt as focused as i should have been while studying for the chem exam i had monday (which i failed, by the way...im still in shock). and today i managed to almost screw myself over for the only class i have an A in this semester. really cant afford to lose that.
so now im going to get ready for my EMS meeting.
and then go to calc.
and then convo hour.
and then spanish.
and then do my calc homework due at 11.
then my chem lab due tomorrow morning.
i really, really want to get out of here.
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| *sigh* 4/20... |
[20 Apr 2007|01:44am] |
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tired |
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music |
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bless the broken road - rascal flatts |
] |
if anyone celebrating 4/20 does anything irritating, destructive of, or otherwise negatively impacting my life due to excessive use of marijuana they can expect to be bitch slapped.
this should be interesting.
BUT! George Carlin! im so excited...ever since i got the tickets i've been telling myself not to look up anything hes ever written or said so everythings guaranteed new for the show..this is gonna be awesome :]
i dunno why im still up doing chem problems, i should be asleep. or something...that isnt doing chem problems.
cant wait for todayyyyy
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